When Memories Become Nightmares - A Written Series from the Akua Projects by Rakia Ari - The First and Final Entry

It will have been ten long years since he left, this month. 

And as every year previous, he haunts my dreams summoning me here to this dark place.

I hear his voice directing me closer and closer.

Closer through the pain of many attacks from the surrounding branches and thorns.

Each attack draws blood; I feel it on my skin as beads of sweat but painful.

I can only close my eyes to protect them, because I can not turn back.

As he pulls me deeper into his forest, the attacks continue.

Each cut from a throne or branch, brings a rush that is accompanied by a memory.

The memories flash like night and day. 

With one painful attack; I remember a kiss and with another I remember crying.

The curse of these memories is the motivation to smile and cry at the same time.

I just want him to let me go, why does he keep bringing me here?

He never speaks, he just looks at me.

It always leaves me frozen and torn between running and coming closer

His big beautiful dark brown piercing eyes are penetrating my soul and mind.

Picking out memories to haunt me as if he were choosing outfits from the back of my closet.

He tears through my closet of hidden memories, snatching them out one at a time.

They flash before me as they are expelled into the air and slowly falling before me like a slow snow falling.

The forest is thick and the branches and thorns hurt and I can barely see the sky and the moon. Just when I felt my inner voice ask how much longer, I am here and he is there in front of me.

There he was, perched and reaching for me to join him. 

I attempted to turn away and I felt his voice, “Please stay with me, I still love you.”

Hearing, well feeling those words warmed and frightened me because I knew I was going to him.

Against the voice of self-preservation, I wanted to be with him in Love and that was all that mattered.

I had so many questions perched there next to him, hand in hand, but I did not speak.

We sat there in Love, only the sounds of the Forest replaced what would have been our silence.

He broke our silence with, “I know you want me to let you go and it is probably the right thing to do, but I can’t!” The truth is I don’t want him to let me go, ever!

He kept my hands in his, sometimes holding tighter than others. 

Hypnotizing me with his eyes and overwhelming me in memories.

Every memory included his kiss, I have never felt a kiss like his.

As the memories flooded over me, I realized he was actually kissing me while telling me to close my eyes; as he always did when we kissed.

‘...some memories never leave your bones, like salt in the sea; they become a part of you - and you carry them.’

He read that to me from a book once and now it rings in my ears as if he is reading it to me again.

We sat there in silence as I looked over the branches and thorns that attacked me.

He began to attend to my wounds left by the Forest, starting with my feet and using his lips.

He kept a slow and steady pace, not missing one scratch with his full lips.

“I miss you,” he whispered against my skin beneath his kiss.

He lifted his head after the last kiss and looked me in the eye, “Why do let me bring you here?” I replied,

“Because I still believe in you, I still love you and how else can I have your touch?”

So he touched my ear and noticed the tightenings underneath my sheer ripped dress, “Is that a spot, too?”

I replied through a grin, “It isn’t where you touch me, but BECAUSE YOU touch me.”

“It’s getting late, you have to go back,” he whispered softly and reluctantly. 

I only looked ahead, because I wanted to ask to stay…I wanted him to ask me to stay.

He took my hand as we began the climb to our fall together down the hole to take me back.

As we arrived at the top, I grabbed him and whispered, “Please not yet, don’t send me away.”

The whisper was airy and desperate.

He replied in the same manner, “I am always with you, ball and chain.”

In reply I punched at him and said, “Don’t Tease Me.” 

He smiled and asked, “You remembered?”, as he squeezed me closer

The tighter he held me, the slower our descent.

We weren’t making love but we were.

FALL LIKE AUTUMN

EVER IN LOVING ARMS SAFE

PROTECTED DARKNESS

We drew closer and I clutched him with a vice-like squeeze.

As he matched my grip, I could smell home.

With another deep inhale, we were here and I could not bear to leave the embrace…his embrace.

I just wanted him to ask me to stay with him, so I could say yes.

Slowly, we started the walk to my door.

It is a short walk that seemed to last forever; for every step forward, there was a circular pause like a dance.

We arrive at my door and I am thrown back to our place. The journey, the passion and the fall back to reality.

How can I continue loving like this? How can I stop loving like this?

I could not have this love in life.

Which leaves me with the inbetween to live this love.